Doesn't Make Sense

I wrap his sweatshirt around me, before I head out side, just so I can be "close to him" I didn't expect it to be so cold, so I have to run back inside to change shoes. I start to walk on the sidewalk, the cold air hitting my bare legs. I had hoped that perhaps it would make things feel real, make me feel like I wasn't in a cloud of surrealism, but it did nothing for me. If anything, it reminded me of December. The cold. The dark, the sidewalk. The sweatshirt. How things played out. It always returns to that day. What happened. It's the bases of everything. Maybe not everything, but, it started a whole lot, and it can always start a whole train of thoughts, or always be found in the the thoughts. I walk, continuing on in the cold, hoping that maybe still, I'll start to feel my feet in reality. My thoughts pester me, I think to much. My thoughts surely revolve too much around him, for what they should revolve around. And sometimes, I think I'm not worth anything, and how should I know what I'm worth? What am I basing myself off of? And then, who's good enough for me? How do I know if I let the best thing go? I'm different aren't I? But yet, I fail. There's nothing. Absolutely nothing. Should I think like this? What am I thinking. And then my thoughts will turn to that week, so long ago. The rain, and how we walked down the street hand in hand, many times. And then my thoughts will turn back again to that one day, that one week in December how cold it was, and how it could almost be  replicate of then, except there's halloween decorations, and I'm walking alone. There's no laughter, there's no talking. I'm by myself, in so many senses. There's no one waiting on me, to call me, to make me happy. I'm by myself. Completely and utterly. Falling. It's so cold. My legs burn, but it doesn't feel cold any more. My lips are numb. I can't feel them. And I walk past the playground, where we once were, for no reason. And I felt like I could see us, a ghost of us, still there. My thoughts turn around and around on themselves. Wondering, how could I fail? What went wrong. I analyze everything. They drift. The sky. It's clear. Did I see a shooting star, out of the corner of my eye? The stars how bright they are! But watch the ground. Don't step on anything, it might be a frog, but no, it's too cool. I've trained myself to watch out for them. I start to wonder. Do I want to let go? Cut the strings of everything? I have nothing left. I have no determination. There's nothing to look forward to any more, except more pain. And maybe there may be some happiness some time in the future, I'm not one of those people to wait around, and it seems I can't make my own happiness. What am I doing wrong? Is there something wrong with me? And then once again, my thoughts go back to the beginning. And I'm now numb to the coldness. I could walk forever, and ever. Never eat again. But, maybe, just maybe I should go inside, write this all down, just for my own entertainment.